About trust.

There's this rule I follow whenever I start a a new relationship, personal or professional. And my rule is: invest 100% trust and then see if it will be broken or not.

This is more than a post, it is a confession. A personal, painful one. A confession about how it feels to be misled and lied to. A confession about hurt, respect and trust.
I am facing the most heartbreaking, humiliating and full of dirt feeling ever to be experienced. I have been here before but never like this.

And the worse part is I could have put my life at stake believing that this will never happen to me again.
Not because I thought I am blessed with the most amazing man of all, not because I found that one person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and hold hands even in 50 years time from now. No, because I truly and honestly believed that I finally found the one that will not break that 100% trust. The one person that will return the same respect and love I could offer and even more. The one person that couldn't lie, that would be there for good and bad...That wouldn't give up on me when things turned ugly. That would fight, that would be strong, that wouldn't be a coward.

We all have a matching soul on this earth, the half that once with us will make us complete, will give us  amazing powers we did not know we had before, that would make us beautiful, valiant, better. Because they would be the better us. Some of us spend their whole life searching for that half, never understating why life has it's own way sometimes and sadly never being so lucky to actually find it. Some of us are extremely lucky to actually find that half and understand happiness. I am among those less fortunate to have actually found their beautiful, perfect half, but then loosing it on the way.

For me it has been a fact since the first time I saw him. A long lost first time, in a child's dream. An innocent yet life guiding dream. I knew then as I know now that he's the one. And when we first kissed, the whole world stopped. My heart stopped and there was no time and space. Just the taste of our lips finally meeting.
They say you always remember your first love as well as your first kiss.
I will always remember our first kiss. It is deeply imprinted on my soul, my skin, my brain. It will never go away. I will have to spend the rest of whatever life there is knowing I lost my dearest, most precious person ever. My best friend, my better half. I will be a crippled half soul. No passion nor achievement will be able to match it.

I imagined us so many times holding each other on the porch of our house very early in a sunny, warm summer morning, I still dream about his arms around me in the middle of the sea, about so many things I lost.

I hope that a better, wiser me will wake up tomorrow morning. I hope life will have better things installed for me from tomorrow on. I hope that all this incredible life consuming pain will have it's reverse. The world is a fair amount of plus and minus, of good and bad, of pain and happiness. I just hope it will have it's fair share for me as well.

I am so alone! I have never in my life been so damn lonely.
THE END